Jerry Bruckheimer: Take Your Stinking Paws Off the Lone Ranger, You Damned Dirty Ape!

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You know, if Jerry Bruckheimer wants to muck with piracy in the Caribbean, that's one thing. I mean, after all, we're talking about pirates. Bloodthirsty, smelly, psychopathic drunks of villainous scum. Who really cares if Bruckheimer applies his patented brand of dreadful filmmaking to ruining the nostalgic love that some feel for a Disney ride?

But when he applies his utterly incomprehensible talent for making a piece of dreck totally devoid of any redeeming cinematic feature to "The Lone Ranger," then he's messing with my childhood. And this makes it personal.

The Lone Ranger is an authentic example of a word that gets carelessly tossed around nearly as much as the word ironic. The Lone Ranger is an iconic figure in pop culture. He is to the mythology of the Wild West what Batman is urban mythology. Both are self-made heroes who driven by old-fashioned vengeance that is sublimated into a monomaniacal drive to seek justice. Seek and ye shall find.

Justice delivered for one man is fascism for another, of course, but let's assume for the moment that both Batman and the Ranger find enough evidence to warrant their becoming Judge Judy and executioner on their own. Once we push past the unpleasant fascist overtones of the Dark Knight and the Lone Ranger, then we find that there is a wish-fulfillment taking place right in front of our eyes. Heroes like these are not men made great by science, but by ambition and patience and character.

The Lone Ranger deserves better than he appears ready to receive courtesy of Jerry Bruckheimer in the trailer for the upcoming Johnny Depp extravaganza. Not sure about you, but I prefer the old Johnny Depp rather than the fella who is on the verge of disappearing into Nicolas Cage land. And guess who destroyed the fascinating career of Nicolas Cage?

Jerry Bruckheimer.

If Johnny Depp wants to destroy his own career by hooking up with Jerry Bruckheimer, well, I guess that's up to him. But the Lone Ranger belongs to the world. To America, at any rate. And Jerry Bruckheimer should keep his dirty, greedy, untalented little mitts off him.

For more from Timothy Sexton, check out:

A Fervent Appeal to Jerry Bruckheimer: Please Stop Making Movies!

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