It's a shame that the Oscars have to think outside the box after already committing to keeping their hosting tradition the same with a comedian. And while Seth MacFarlane may surprise us in keeping a three-hour show entertaining, the show may only really move outside the coloring lines during the segment honoring the 50th anniversary of the James Bond franchise. This isn't to say we'll be seeing Daniel Craig and Queen Elizabeth II skydive through the ceiling of the Dolby Theatre and landing on Daniel Day-Lewis.
But let's not discount the use of other gimmickry to keep the show fresh. In our little imaginary world of things that never happen, let's imagine what the Oscars would be in March had they decided to create the entire show as a tribute to Bond.
All former Bonds as hosts
There still isn't word on whether Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, or Pierce Brosnan will take part in the Bond tribute. Regardless, let's place them all in the role of recurring hosts throughout our imaginary telecast. Outside of possible Bond balking, seeing Connery and Lazenby together in a comedy bit would be the stuff of history in award show annals.
We already know Roger Moore isn't bad as a comedian. The same goes for Daniel Craig, despite recently wincing at being comedic. Any true revelation would be if Sean Connery impersonates the persona we've seen in the long-running "Jeopardy" parodies on "Saturday Night Live."
Of course, all the Bonds would have to convene toward the end in some sort of comedic song and dance number that doesn't involve high kicks.
Have former Bond Girls hand out the Oscars
Better than a Bond assemblage is grouping together all or most of the former Bond Girls. They should take turns doing the presenting and handing out of the Oscars rather than unknown models walking out on stage with the award.
If that looks appallingly servile, then let's mix it up with other former Bond cast members who happen to be male. You can't have a Bond-themed show without a roundup of iconic villains. This should include Jaws' Richard Kiel who some people may not know is still alive and can bite open the envelope.
Utilize Bond gadgets among members of the audience
The Oscars don't utilize the audience nearly enough as the Golden Globes often do. To play up the rivalry among all the actors, let's see all those A-list stars (and those who think they're A-list) use benign Bond gadgets on one another to feign bitterness in losing. The Golden Globes has already done tongue in cheek bits playing up the inane business of actor competition.
Whether or not one of the Bond hosts has a mock chase with the sore loser throughout the premises is dependent on how well that works live rather than on paper.
Cameo of Queen Elizabeth II
Nothing would bring American culture closer to respecting the Queen than to have Her Majesty make a secret appearance live or at least on live satellite. Her persona is so wrapped up in the current Bond persona after the 2012 London Summer Olympics that it seems lacking without her.
To end, having all the Bonds bidding "goodnight, Your Majesty" would usher in a new era of Oscars where occasional telecasts would be a creative tribute to a certain film celebrating an anniversary.
Anybody up for a "Wizard of Oz" Oscar show for that film's 75th in 2014?