You are in trouble with the law once again. Leaving the scene of an accident is an admittedly egregious act of cowardice and shows a general lack of discipline and value as a human being. But don't go thinking that yet more problems with the law are enough to keep you from a comeback. In the first place, we all know that the police have a habit of lying so we can't totally rely on their version of what happened. The lack of verisimilitude among members of America's law enforcement community aside, however, there is something even more valuable on your side.
Robert Downey, Jr.
Keep in mind, Lindsay, that Robert Downey is currently one of the biggest movie stars in the world today. And that guy's criminal past makes yours look like Mother Theresa's legal difficulties. I take this step, Lindsay, because I am among an increasingly small number of people who seem to remember that you do have comedic talent. If you are serious about making that comeback, then you need to drop plans to do so as a dramatic star. Yes, I was stunned by those images of you as Elizabeth Taylor. I was won over from my initial resistance. Maybe you can pull it off.
But there are still doubts.
What I do not have any doubt about is that you do possess comedic talent. You were one a very funny young actress. You outshone Jamie Lee Curtis in "Freaky Friday." Heck, I even though you were funny in the movie about Herbie, the Love Bug. I haven't seen "Mean Girls" yet but that's mainly because it usually comes on TV at the same time I have my yodeling class. I know that sounds lame, but I'm a level 7 yodeler now and, well, I promise to get around to watching "Mean Girls" eventually. I hear you are quite funny.
You are not funny when you do these run-ins with the law. Keep in mind, Ms. Lohan, that the police don't care too much about guilt or innocence. Any more than paparazzi care about, well, anything more than getting the shot. So your best bet at making a comeback is thus: stick with comedy and avoid allowing the police anywhere near you.
I look forward to your comeback. Heck, if Robert Downey can do it, well, then you certainly can.