| Overall Grade: |
F |
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| Story: |
F |
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| Acting: |
F |
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| Direction: |
F |
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| Visuals: |
F |
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Kill Bill? Po Mo!
by jamesh (movies profile)
Dec 25, 2006
38
of
58 people found this review helpful
When I left the theater I had two things to say to the person who made me go.
1.) While that was not the worst movie I've ever seen, it was certainly the least enjoyable, also I've never come closer to walking out of a movie in my life.
2.) Quentin Tarentino should stick to picking out songs, cuz that film had a very good score.
Tarentino is obviously a non-standard director and thats how he made his mark. Now he has to continue to do non-standard things or his fans will complain that he's left his style and stuff like that.
Unfortunately, he has been reduced to every hacked, ridiculous, trashy gimmick that he can think of to peddle this abortion of a movie.
To quickly quote Moe from The Simpsons - "Its Po Mo! Post Modern... weird for the sake of weird"
The movie beeps out her name the 2 times it is mentioned.
There is scenes in the movie which, for no reason, are done in black and white. Correction, they are done in black and white to save on fake-blood. All the blood splatter (and there is a lot) during the black and white parts is WATER. IT IS TRANSLUCENT.
Uma wakes up from a four year coma to find that the male nurse has been pimping out her comatose body for $75 a round. This 230lb trucker climbs aboard him and apparently she bites his lip until he dies. Then while crawling around on the floor, she manages to take the nurse to the ground and completely, totally incapacitate him by cutting his achilles tendon. I know that hurts, but he should still be able to pummel a 97lb girl lying on the floor who hasnt moved in 48 months and has NO MOVEMENT IN HER LOWER BODY AT ALL.
There is a whole section of the movie done in anime, which could not be more disgusting if it tried I am certain.
When one guy gets his head cut off, a literal, non-figurative, literal (i had to get that point across) FOUNTAIN of blood comes out. It comes out in a circle of jets!
This circus of gross-outs is culminated in a restaurant where Uma calls out Lucy Liu, (who I just found out CAN move her face) and she sends out each of her ridiculously inept group of thugs to try and stop Uma. Uma immediately cuts off the arm of Sophie and for the next 20 minutes we have to watch a woman crawling around on the floor screaming and crying drenched in blood, and her arm is laying on the floor. Call me a chauvinist pig, but I don't like to see a woman hurt. Infact, it made me quite sick. Within only a couple minutes Uma has killed Lucy's 7 or 8 personal guards and all of a sudden, a rip off of the Burly Brawl breaks out and every member of the Yakuza comes in to try and kill Uma. With the help of a sword, made by a guy who hasn't made a sword in 28 years but is the best sword ever somehow, and breakdance moves, she makes amputees of all of them and kills most of them, then for no good reason, tells them all to try and leave, but to leave their disembodied limbs! I don't know when Lucy called in this crack squad of idiots, but they drove there, you can hear all the roar of their engines, and they're there IMMEDIATELY after the last of Lucy's guards dies. They must not have driven very fast.
Luckily, it is the Tokyo Police Dept's night off and although hundreds of people are rushed out of the restaurant because there is a death-fight going on, and hundreds of people die, coating the floor in blood, no police come.
Uma finally gets to Lucy Liu who has gone through a transdimensional door (apparently) into winter. It was nice and dry out when she came into the restaurant, but when they went out a different door, it was pitch dark, snowing and the ground was entirely covered in snow. Lucy appears at first to have complete control of the fight and almost kills Uma right at the outset, cutting her across the back in what was obviously a mercy-cut not intended to kill. However, that somehow enraged Uma and she rips off Hannibal next by cutting the whole top of her head off, and allows us to see Lucy's brain... I'm sure the scene of her feeding it to her was left on the cutting room floor.
If none of that is the worst thing wrong with the movie, one thing certainly is, and its a problem that has crept up in more and more action (especially kung-fu style) movies lately. Its nothing new to not care about the characters in the movie, but in this case, we have NO reason to believe that Uma should be able to fight at all, let alone defeat the head of the biggest mob in Japan, as well as what seems like ALL of its members. She was getting married, she was pregnant, we had to watch her cry for atleast a full minute when she woke up from her coma and her stomach was flat and babyless. She does NOT seem like the kind of person who should be jetting around the world for revenge, killing and maiming and talking of her complete lack of mercy, forgiveness and compassion.
Anyone who has rated this movie highly is either 1.) an idiot 2.) paid by the studio to rate it highly 3.) trying to seem like the kind of person who appreciates really different off-the-wall type of movies and effects or 4.) some moron who wants to bear Tarentino's children and thinks that he can do no wrong and probly hasn't even seen this train wreck.
I did not pay for this movie. I didn't want to see it because I thought it would be corny. Boy was I wrong. There was very little corn in the movie. There was, however, unimaginable levels of unnecessary gore and cliched lines. Can't Tarentino get a message through without BLATANTLY beating us over the head with it? Nothing in this movie was too short, everything was too long. Every disgusting scene was dragged out until I was practically yelling at the projectionist to fast forward. Every joke was played out so long that all humor was lost and I was left wondering, Why is this still going on?
This was a tortured, ruined movie from day one and I can not picture myself seeing "Volume two"
Pure, unadulterated GARBAGE. |
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