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Undoubtedly the Showgirls of fairy tale adaptations, Pinocchio is an overstuffed yet underfed movie that tries so hard to be charming, it ends up an insufferable vanity piece. In December 2002, Miramax released a 100-minute version of the film dubbed into English. For voice duty, Miramax corralled B-list luminaries like Breckin Meyer, Cheech Marin, Glenn Close and John Cleese. The film was released without being screened for critics. It was universally panned. In February 2003, Miramax released the original, Italian-language cut of the film, which was 10 minutes longer. The only thing notable there is that two cuts of one film were panned within three months. No small feat that.

So, like all critically reviled films, it begs two questions: is it really that bad? And if so, why is it really that bad? To answer the first question: Yes, it is really that bad. However, in an effort to look on the bright side, I will say this: Benigni's version of Carlo Collodi's tale is closer to the original then Disney's animated version (and much closer than the 1971 film, The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio). And the film looks great. Director of photography, Dante Spinotti gives everything a fairy tale glow. Also invaluable was the late production designer Danilo Donati, who turned an enormous soundstage into a play land that any child would love to grow up in. That's the good news.

The bad news is everything and everyone else. In the film, toymaker Geppetto (Carlo Giuffre) longs for a son, so when an enchanted wooden log bounds its way into his shop, he carves it into the boy he never had. This boy turns out to be 50-year Benigni, wearing red and white pajamas and a freaky hat. Pinocchio wants more than anything to be a boy, which is hard for two reasons: A) he's made of wood and B) he's a 50-year old, balding, Italian actor. After a strange and awkward montage of Geppetto carving his new creation into existence, he names it Pinocchio (since he's made of pine), and sends him off to school, like a good little puppet-who-longs-to-be-a-boy. But Pinocchio will have none of that and instead, he gets into all sorts of poorly edited adventures, which end one of two ways: Pinocchio is scolded by his insect companion Cricket, or Pinocchio begs forgiveness from the beautiful Blue Fairy (played by Benigni's off-screen wife, Nicoletta Braschi).

The Miramax DVD contains both the original Italian version and the dubbed American release. If you must watch the film, watch the Italian version. Firstly, those who love Benigni want to hear his full-bodied ranting, which is almost a character of its own. Secondly, the film flows better with the additional ten minutes. While its faults are many, all roads lead to Benigni. The film relies entirely upon your belief that he is so filled with unbridled joy that whatever he does, the audience will want to reach out and hug him.

At $45 million, Pinocchio was the most expensive Italian film ever made and it did very well in the home country. But in explosion-happy, sequel-loving America, where we cross our arms and defiantly, if silently, yell, "entertain me", Benigni tried too hard. We smelled a self-indulgent rat, and not the computer-generated kind that pulled the carriage containing the Blue Fairy. A little Benigni goes a long way. A hundred minutes is too long.

Video: How Does The Disc Look?

While the film leaves a lot to be desired, the same cannot be said of Miramax's transfer, which is terrific. Presented in 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen, the image is fresh, colorful and vibrant from the first shot to the last. Cinematographer Dante Spinotti really pushed the fairy tale conceit to its logical limits and the transfer reproduces them extremely well. It also helps that Pinocchio is a very new film and why should Miramax screw up the DVD release, when the theatrical release was screwed up enough. Anyway, colors are fully saturated and balanced. There was no difference in color reproduction if the scene was interior, exterior, night or day. Blacks are dark and smooth. Shadow detail is good and flesh tones are warm and natural. The picture was occasionally a bit soft. Detail was generally good, with every blemish on Geppetto's face easy to see. There was precious little pixelization and no edge enhancements. A really good transfer.

Audio: How Does The Disc Sound?

The Dolby Digital 5.1 lives up to the quality of the video. I was especially impressed with the track's reliance upon the deeper tones. A fairy tale doesn't necessarily lend itself to a bass workout, but there was more than I expected. When people fell to the ground, their butts hit with a confident bump. Deep voices resonated. It really deepened the aural experience quite nicely. On the other end of the scale, the highs were also nicely reproduced. The tinkly, enchanted aspects of the score were beautiful: you could hear every hit on the triangle. Ultimately, the dynamic range displayed here is very impressive and makes for a more immersive experience. Also, the surrounds get a bit of a workout, although not enough to impress your friends. Still, I enjoyed this mix very much.

As for the English dubbing, the synch isn't as far off as the naysayers believe. In fact, the lip synch issues are the least of the film's problems. The Italian version contains English and French subtitles. The English dubbed version contains English and French dubbing, as well as English subtitles.

Supplements: What Goodies Are There?

Considering this is a two-disc set, there are only two extras, neither of which are that interesting. First is The Windows of Pinocchio: FAO Schwarz Holiday Windows. This 5-minute extra chronicles the making of the Pinocchio window display that graced the landmark New York toy store during the 2002 holiday season. Various shots of workers painting are mixed with interviews with the people responsible for its design. I'd explain more about this supplement, but you know what? Who cares? It blows. You'll never watch it.

The second extra sucks less. It's called The Voices of Pinocchio: Creating the English Dubbed Version. The dubbing on this film took an enormous amount of criticism. Personally, I thought the voice acting was fine, although Breckin Meyer had too thin and whiny a voice to match up with Benigni's unbridled emotion. Included are brief sound bites from Meyer, John Cleese, Kevin James and Cheech Marin. They say what all voice actors say: they like doing voice work because there's no makeup and they can wear whatever they want. It's all fairly typical, but compared to the other supplement, you'll probably watch it every Christmas with your family.

And, if you care to count this as an extra, there are trailers for three other Miramax films.

DVD-ROM Exclusives: What do you get when you pop the disc in your PC?

No ROM extras have been included.

Parting Thoughts