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Lina Wertmuller's original Swept Away was not a terribly good movie to begin with and seems an odd choice for a remake. Perhaps the only film in history directed by a woman but still regarded as misogynistic tripe, it's relentlessly nihilistic view of romance and retro notions of gender are hopelessly out of date. Spoiled capitalist Raffaella Pavone Lanzetti (Mariangela Melato) delights in humiliating lowly sailor Gennarino Carunchio (Giancarlo Giannini). Then, a terrible shipwreck. With no hope for rescue, hot sex and animal passion ensues. Oops - the couple is found. Bye bye, Carunchio! The film's Gilligan's Island milieu was dull and confining, so what charge the original had was largely due to Wertmuller's realization that this essentially two-act play was more about politics than romance. Yes, it's threadbare, yet a remake might still have struck a chord in today's cynical era of Joe Millionaire and The Bachelorette. Enter Guy Ritchie.

Originally titled Sex, Drugs, Love and Money, Ritchie has essentially remade the 80's mistaken-identity comedy Overboard, only without Goldie Hawn and any laughs of the intentional kind. Ritchie even casts Adriano Giannini, son of the original's Giancarlo, in the same role but to no avail. Most damaging is the absence of the original's socialist satire. Ritchie retains the same basic structure, but by pumping up the comedy, the film's eventual dark turns become ludicrous. Madonna is now Amber Leighton, a bronzed, sinewy version of Hawn, and the effect is frightening. She is so badly photographed in this movie she's scary to look at - I had more nightmares from this film than the last five Freddy Krueger movies combined. Most criminal, the first act wastes not only her negligible acting talents but also those of an unusually fine ensemble, including Bruce Greenwood and the forever-underutilized Jeanne Tripplehorn. Then, after what seems like an eternity of aborted comedy, the pair finally wash up on the island, but things only go from bad to worse.

One can only wonder what the Ritchies were thinking with this one. The film asks us to accept 180-degree shifts in tone and character that are borderline psychotic. I first saw this film at a press screening with all of about six other critics, and we all sat dumbfounded. (It says something that the loudest cheers were when Madonna finally got slapped.) We're supposed to believe that Amber, after being kicked, punched and almost raped, will then come crawling back to Giuseppe and pledge her undying love and gratitude - in the very next scene. But Ritchie's cinematic crime here isn't just creepy, it is a complete failure of narrative. By the time the film lurches to its overblown, melodramatic climax (believe me, these will be the longest 93 minutes you'll ever spend in your life) the attraction between these two people is never explained. The ludicrous finale is camp of the worst kind. Merely tragic, not funny.

I'm going to give you a spoiler alert and tip you off to the climax of this movie. The last shot - perhaps the only truly beautiful one in the film - is of a wedding ring, slowly falling into the deep abyss of the ocean. It's a fitting capper to a terribly misguided movie. But it is also a warning for those contemplating a long, healthy superstar marriage. Don't make movies like Swept Away.

Video: How Does The Disc Look?

Bad movie, looks great. Whatever cinematic virtues Swept Away may possess, it sure is one fine-looking movie. Shot largely in bright daylight exteriors, this is a wonderfully three-dimensional, vibrant transfer for most of its runtime. Presented in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen, it is top drawer whenever the sun shines. The print is in fine shape (save for some slight grain in the darkest scenes). Colors bold and impeccable. Great blacks, solid contrast, and often terrific detail. Shadow delineation is the only weak point, as Ritchie and his cinematographer Alex Barber sometimes favor natural light a little too much in the film's brief nighttime scenes. Colors also appear washed out in these sequences, giving the transfer a somewhat Jekyll & Hyde quality. But overall, this is a very nice presentation. Watch Swept Away with the sound turned off and it's a much better movie.

Audio: How Does The Disc Sound?

Like the transfer, this is a very nice soundtrack. Presented in English Dolby Digital 5.1 surround, it's an often subtle presentation but quite effective. Absent of any truly aggressive scenes, it's all about the ambiance. Dynamic range is very good, with some atmospheric uses of music and nice discrete surround effects. Low end is nice and tight and suits the film just fine, and I liked the way Michel Colombier's score is spread out across the entire soundstage. Not particularly bombastic, but a very nice soundtrack.

Also included is a French Dolby 2.0 surround dub, English and French subtitles and English Closed Captions.

Supplements: What Goodies Are There?

Here's the real crown jewel of this set. Alas, Madonna doesn't contribute much, but Guy Ritchie does admirably hang himself in the included screen-specific audio commentary. Along for the ride is producer Matthew Vaughn, and the two seem completely oblivious to the fact that their movie is one of the most reviled in the last decade. Those expecting dirt will be disappointed; this is a standard commentary with the usual talk of production challenges, the harsh locations, etc. Admittedly, when Ritchie starts talking about Madonna's "acting" I had to hit pause because I was laughing so hard, but otherwise this is pretty dull stuff.

Up next are no less than 16 deleted scenes, which beg the question, If the scenes included in the movie are so bad, how terrible must the stuff that was cut be? Well, here's your answer. Neither here nor there, roughly half of this stuff is just plain boring. A few scenes with Madonna do reveal character motivation sorely lacking in the final cut, and Jeanne Tripplehorn and Bruce Greenwood get a bit more screen time, fleshing out the early sequences on the boat. But so little is happening here it just underlines how thin the story really is.

Rounding out the main extras is the most enjoyable supplement, the Swept Away Movie Special, which I believe played on MTV. Here Madonna and Ritchie are surprisingly enjoyable, trading quips and recollections back and forth. It's actually kinda fun, and too bad the movie itself didn't have such a playful attitude and lack of pretentiousness. Ah, well, maybe in Swept Away 2...

Rounding out the extras are the usual filmographies and a bevy of theatrical trailers, including two for Swept Away.

DVD-ROM Exclusives: What do you get when you pop the disc in your PC?

No ROM extras have been included.

Parting Thoughts