Finally, in Body of Evidence, a character does what millions have
wanted to do ever since Madonna first burst upon the pop music scene
back in 1983 warbling "Holiday." With a big, fat, sweaty
palm, take a giant swipe and smack her across the face. Not that I
would ever condone such violence against a person, mind you, but after
years of suffering through this master thespian's lame attempts at
launching a film career, you can't say she didn't have it coming.
To be fair to our poor little dominatrix with the gold tooth, Body
of Evidence would have been a pretty bad movie even if Madonna didn't
suck as an actress. Yes, she is terrible, and yes, this is a complete
misfire in every conceivable way, yet the basic idea behind the film
is actually kinda fun. Can a woman's body be considered a murder
weapon? Accused of "fucking a man to death," Madonna stars
as Rebecca Carlson, a successful Portland art dealer with a penchant
for rich older men with heart conditions. Not helping Rebecca's case
is the victim's scorned secretary (Anne Archer) who may be framing
her, a scheming prosecutor (Joe Mantenga) out to prove she's a gold-
digging whore, and the naive defense attorney (Willem Dafoe) who
becomes unhinged by his client's unique brand of sadomasochism. Has
Rebecca been unfairly condemned because of her unusual sexual tastes,
or are we as a society simply unable to deal with anyone who mirrors
that part of ourselves which we cannot accept? And are we talking
about this movie, or Madonna's entire career? It is impossible
to discuss Body of Evidence without taking into account Madonna's
seemingly insatiable desire to be considered a legitimate, serious
actress. Fair enough for her to attempt a career on the big screen.
But cunning and calculation are not the same as talent, and odd for a
performer who has had such great success in so many other fields, Ms.
Ciccone always seems to be the last one to realize that she's being
laughed off the screen. Reams have been printed about her lack of
acting ability, so all I will add here is that it became clear with
Body of Evidence - easily the nadir of her acting career - that she
continues to confuse making a visual impact with actually
conceptualizing and inhabiting a person other than herself. Never has
an actress seemed so innately unable to exist outside of her own
perceptions. Does Madonna care at all about who Rebecca Carlson is, or
is this just another excuse to play the persecuted provocateur, i.e.,
vindicate herself in the court of public opinion by playing the
martyr? I think we already know the answer.
In hindsight, it
is now clear not only how this train wreck of a movie was ever allowed
to happen, but why it might have actually seemed like a good idea.
Released right at the time Madonna was being hung out to dry by the
media - only a mere few weeks after the publication of her notorious
"Sex" book (which I actually admired in concept if not
execution) and underrated Erotica album - it's understandable why the
theme of sexual hypocrisy would have appealed to the battered diva.
There is also a fairly lurid, enjoyable B-movie in here screaming to
get out, and this might have been fun had the filmmakers possessed
even a hint of humor about the whole affair. But all play it
absolutely straight, as if no one is aware that they are making a
shameless rip-off of the far superior Basic Instinct, itself a trashy
potboiler. The film is filled with laughable dialogue, made all the
better by the sincere delivery: "I fucked him. I fucked you.
That's what I do. I fuck!" Madonna/Rebecca says at one point. If
this had been a satire, it would have been brilliant.
Unintentional laughs aside, how's the sex? As was so often the case
with late 80's/early 90's thrillers more interested in shocking than
actually titillating, Madonna and Dafoe's acrobatic love scenes are
not so much erotic as they are ridiculous. "Have you ever seen
animals fuck, Frank?" Madonna asks Dafoe at one point. "It's
intense!" Whether pouring hot candle wax on Dafoe's dick,
straddling his face while he lays atop a car hood littered with broken
glass, or pleasuring herself to entice him to sodomize her, this plays
like a cinematic greatest hits of "Sex," only without any of
the tongue-in-cheek campiness. It may be explicit, but it is the
antithesis of a turn-on.
In the film's favor are its glossy
production values, with some impressively lucid cinematography by
Douglas Milsome and a superior score by Graeme Revell. But it's all to
no avail when a film is as unintentionally funny as this. Yet Body of
Evidence remains a strange cultural artifact worth seeing, if only to
watch a talented team of actors and filmmakers completely fail to
grasp what a bad idea their movie really is. Some may find it funny,
others may find it sad. But I find Body of Evidence a brilliant
reminder of why some people should just be happy with the success
they've already got.
Video: How Does The Disc
Look?
Presented in Unrated an R-Rated versions on a double-
sided disc - both in 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen - these transfers
look fine if unremarkable. Both prints look about on par, marred by a
few instances of blemishes, nicks and dirt, but nothing severe. The
film has a slightly dated quality, with an overall softness and lack
of color purity that keeps it from looking as good as it probably
could have. Make no mistake, this is a very well shot film that's as
in love with the orange and blues as it is with Madonna's naked body.
But hues still could have been a bit more saturated for my taste,
although black level is fine and contrast fairly good. Detail is a bit
lacking and the picture is not that sharp, giving it a kinda dull,
mushy look throughout. However, given the short runtime and no real
supplements, compression artifacts are not a problem and I noticed
little real edge enhancement. Not great, but it's still better than
Madonna's acting. 
Audio: How Does The Disc Sound?
Presented in English Dolby Digital 2.0 surround only, this is a
pretty good mix and representative of soundtracks of the era. Dynamic
range is fairly robust, but the lower midrange seems lacking. Low or
whispered dialogue is often hard to discern, and low bass could have
used some improvement. Most impressive is the reproduction of Revell's
nice score, which is spread out across the entire front soundstage.
Surround effects are reserved for light ambiance only and the film's
"explosive" climax. A real 5.1 remix would have certainly
benefited the film, but this is Body of Evidence, after all, so I
can't say I'm surprised by the omission.
Also included are
English, French, Spanish and Portuguese subtitles and English Closed
Captions. 
Supplements: What Goodies Are There?
Given the film's less-than-rapturous reception, it's no surprise
that this is not a special edition. But we do get one truly priceless
extra, the 8-minute EPK Love or Murder? The Making of Body of
Evidence. Perhaps this should have been called "Actress or
Whore: The Undoing of Madonna's Career?" Yes, it's just a dumb
extended commercial, but a glimpse into the Madonna creative process
cannot be ignored. Watch cast and crew debates the merits of the
concept and a few behind the scenes bits of Madonna and crew at work.
Wonderful camp.
Also included is the film's fairly good
theatrical trailer in anamorphic widescreen and 2.0 stereo.
DVD-ROM Exclusives: What do you get when you pop the disc in
your PC?
No ROM extras have been included. What, no link to
the official Madonna website?
Parting Thoughts
For only $14.95 retail, this is a priceless artifact for camp
connoisseurs. Witness the smirking Madonna finger herself, recite bad
dialogue and watch her film career finally get blown to bits. As
always, Madonna, it's been a pleasure being served.
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