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The Oscars are the pinnacle of Hollywood's high holy days. So who better to
puncture all the pomp and circumstance than the no-BS minds behind
TelevisionWithoutPity.com? TWoP's Sarah D. Bunting and Tara Ariano are here
all night, bringing you their thoughts on the thrills, chills, spills, and
kills of the 2005 Academy Awards.
By Tara Ariano and Sarah D. Bunting, editors in chief,
Television Without Pity
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Ah, the Montage O' Dead People, in which everyone pretends to clap for people whose existences they forgot mere minutes after lining the birdcage with their obits.
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Did Jamie Foxx cut Annette Bening's hair while he was practicing being blind for "Ray"?
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Hollywood humanitarians? Even if that's not a contradiction in terms, it's not what we're here to see. We're here to see Adrien Brody randomly kissing people. We're also here for the legendarily SHORT ceremony, GIL CATES.
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What's with the nightly news music?
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It's nice that "Finding Neverland" won Original Score. It can go on the mantel next to Original Cause of Cavities and Original Telegraphed the Trite Ending Ten Minutes Into the Film.
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It's funny how John Travolta is still acting like he's a hot twenty-three-year-old who can carry off skin-tight bellbottoms, when he's actually in dire need of the salad. The small salad.
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And...he's still talking, even though they cut his mic. Un! Comfortable!
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Son, if you've been practicing your Oscar speech since you were eight years old, shouldn't it be...you know. Good? And shouldn't you be...not drunk?
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Does George Lucas know Natalie Portman ganked her dress from the Queen Amidala wardrobe rack?
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Antonio Banderas would get cut from an audition in Atlantic City with a performance like this. Clay Aiken's at home going, "I could have learned Spanish to perform this song." And then he's barking at some underpaid lackey to bring him a Coke -- NOT DIET.
| I don't know which is worse: Antonio Banderas with a greasy ponytail, or Antonio Banderas with a greasy shag. Oh, and nice of Carlos Santana to bust out his formal guitar strap for the evening.
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Okay, that's like the sixth time someone's dropped a cymbal on the floor. Is it that hard to find someone in Hollywood who can play a pair of cymbals without greasing up their hands first?
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Oh sorry, Randy Thom, for thinking the Sound Editing award is technical. Forgive us if we're not interested in a lecture from a guy in a t-shirt.
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They shouldn't put Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz together on the stage at the same time. It just reminds us all that we don't really need them both.
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Girls can't edit sound any better than they can create visual effects, apparently.
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PriceWaterhouseCoopers in the hizzy! You guys, I don't think those two four-hundred-pound guys are actually accountants.
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Aw, the thank-you for the nurses and doctors taking care of Best Cinematography winner Robert Richardson's mom has melted our cold dead hearts. We can't even make any more Mickey Rooney jokes.
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Totally not shocking a nation, "Passion of the Christ" doesn't win for Best Cinematography. Now, if there were an award for Best Use of A-1 Spicy As Fake Blood, it would be cleaning up. As it were.
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Kate Winslet looks lovely from the neck up, but the dress is...an homage to her hair in "Eternal Sunshine"? It's way too bright.
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Wow, the word "bollocks" didn't get Janet Jacksoned on seven-second delay? The censors must not know what it means.
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Was that Best Live-Action Short nominee really asleep? If he was just joking around, heh heh. If he wasn't...dude. Espresso. Look into it.
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Jeremy Irons is proceeding straight from the broadcast to a Jesuit seminary, evidently.
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Prince is in the house. Even more awesomely, Prince looks bored.
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Is the guy in the mask actually Rob Lowe? I know there aren't any dwarves dancing up there this time, but maybe they can call Mickey Rooney up onstage.
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Beyonce isn't just hogging all the Best Song performances; she's hogging all the eye shadow in L.A. How can she even hold her lids up?
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Andrew Lloyd Webber and Stephen King -- have you ever seen them together? Coincidence? I think not.
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"Being in 'The Phantom of the Opera' was a remarkable experience." Yeah, that's one way of putting it, Emmy Rossum.
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Okay, who is Booby Cooper up in the balcony? I've seen some fake boobs in my time, but those really redefine the word "fake." And the word "boobs."
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Vin Diesel looks extremely creepy with hair. I mean, he always looks extremely creepy, but the addition of hair makes it even worse.
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"Serpico" is okay in the original, but it was really dwarfed by the Max Fischer Players' stage version.
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Ah, "Twelve Angry Men." That rare black & white movie that doesn't make me want to kill myself. Ditto "Fail-Safe."
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Did Martin Scorsese steal Lew Wasserman's glasses off the body?
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If Gil Cates's stated goal was to shorten the telecast, why in the name of all that is good and pure would he invite Al Pacino to do anything? Patch is still giving his acceptance speech for his Lifetime Achievement Golden Globe. Which he won five years ago.
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Um. We don't want to be unkind. But Mickey Rooney's head kind of looks like sausage filling.
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Frank Pierson. Esperanto for "time to refill the chips."
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Every time is the right time to rip on "Lord of the Rings."
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Guess Visual Effects Club has a strict no girls policy, huh? Because they don't want to get cooties on the equipment, presumably. Or have the calibration thrown off by their "monthlies."
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Who knew Alexander Payne is such a silver fox? But, next time get a haircut before the Oscars, please.
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But this whole thing is kind of homophobic and creepy. On balance, boo. "Motocicleta" is a cool word. But that better not win. I did not pick it in my pool.
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Oh, the fake mix-up. "Hilarious." And not totally transparent and uncomfortable to watch. Okay, fine, it's a little funny for Chris Rock to say "as a little girl in Wales." But only a little.
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Not to harp on the lead singer, but dude: It's the Oscars. This one time, buy a damn shirt that fits.
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Counting Crows are still together? With a lead singer who looks like the unholy spawn of Vanilla Ice and that half-dead ficus in your boss's office? And is dating Mary-Louise Parker? It's a mad mad mad mad mad world, people.
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It's clear that Mike Myers's hair fell on his head from an upper-story window. The question is, who dropped it?
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Thelma Schoonmaker is a bad-ass. Anyone else would have gotten a migraine from that jacket in the store; she's so rad, she bought it AND WORE IT.
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Orlando Bloom, the next time you're tapped as a presenter, why not practice with the Teleprompter beforehand? Or is the problem that the words aren't written in Elvish?
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And Best Documentary Feature goes to "Born Into Brothels." I'll let you make your own Bob Mackie jokes...and the jokes about the winner's lack of brassiere.
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So...Leonardo DiCaprio's voice...already changed, then? This is his big boy voice? Oh, my.
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Aw, Miss Piggy. Trot her out instead of Renee Zellweger next year. It's not like anyone would know the difference.
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Wow, great job "shortening" the ceremony with a schmaltzy filler sequence about Johnny Carson -- who was a TV host, not a movie actor. And if anyone cares what Whoopi Goldberg thinks about anything, much less comedy, I'll eat my hat.
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I can't believe the stripper with the heart of gold didn't win Best Supporting Actress. Do we all really love Katharine Hepburn so much that we'll give prizes to people who just play her? To me she had a range of A to A and a half, and acted like a scary old crusty grandma who makes you take cod liver oil when you stay over at her house. (If my actual grandma's reading this: love you!)
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Laura Linney's boyfriend looks like Jimmy Fallon if he had one chromosome too many. Or too few.
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Wow, Sandy Powell, Best Costume Design winner, calm down. You make Roberto Benigni look like he's on quaaludes. In case you couldn't tell, I'm being sarcastic.
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Okay, normally I object to the appearance of animated characters interacting with live people...but I make an exception for the awesome Edna Mode.
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Didn't think it possible for Scarlett Johansson to look worse at a formal event than she does at the standard awards, but the clip of her at the sci-tech awards has proved me wrong. Her hair was like the scrub puff I use in the shower.
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Overheard in my living room as Scarlet Johansson appears on the balcony: "Push her!"
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What we couldn't see in that clip of Martin Lawrence is that it was filmed at Bellevue.
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With regard to the taped segment at the Magic Johnson Theatre: if Steve Martin were interviewing African-American people about their (we're supposed to think) inferior movie choices, the NAACP would kick his ass.
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That guy who just hauled ass offstage is my new favorite TV star.
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It seems like they could have got a French singer to perform this song...wait, Beyonce has an accent over that last "e." She IS French, obviously. Never mind.
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Damn, Beyonce, leave some eye shadow for the rest of us.
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Drew Barrymore apparently borrowed her dress from Lisa Marie Presley...and her earrings from a hardware store. Don't they use those doodads as sink stoppers?
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Giving out the awards in the seats? I understand how they thought this might save time, but it's so...senior citizen center. Even Cate Blanchett seems uncomfortable with it. It's like a town hall, with that microphone down front, but with more bedhead.
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The perfect speech from director Brad Bird: short, humble, sweet, and he remembered to thank everyone (but not his agent, HALLE).
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"The Incredibles" wins Best Animated Feature; no surprise there, although a win over "Shark Tale" isn't exactly a huge triumph.
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Did Robin Williams hit Chris Rock over the head with a frying pan backstage and take over the show? We have an *actual* comedian hosting the show, Robin. Go back to your seat.
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Dear Robin Williams: 1) Joan Rivers jokes are a decade out of date. 2) Fuchsia is not the new black.
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And Clive Owen gets robbed. ROBBED! But, uh...good for Morgan Freeman. Should have won for "Shawshank Redemption." But the shawl was a bad choice. It looks like a drapery sash.
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Where's the nomination for Best Supporting Loft? That apartment from "Closer" still makes me drool.
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Can we all please stop talking about the weight Renee Zellweger put on that time? Because she looks like hell now, and she can't walk in that dress.
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Did Leonardo DiCaprio's alleged model girlfriend always look so much like Barbra Streisand?
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Dante Ferretti! Woo! First correct Oscar pool pick! And thank God we didn't have to see all the losing nominees as they slunk back to their seats in shame.
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All the nominees on the stage for the first time. I'm humiliated for everyone involved. Especially the woman in the satin pants. Seriously, there's more dignity at a high-school athletics banquet.
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Do you think they made Catalina Sandino Moreno sit beside Scarlett Johansson because CSM can't speak English well and won't notice how annoying ScarJo is?
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Chris Rock sure is ranking hard on acting rappers for someone who's about to be in "The Longest Yard" with NELLY.
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Wow, making a bunch of Bush jokes in a room full of the Hollywood elite. That's a bold, risky choice, not.
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Why is Spike Lee in safety goggles? Is Gallagher going to be performing tonight? THAT WOULD RULE.
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Jamie Foxx...purple suit. Huh.
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Clint Eastwood should have a restraining order keeping cameras at least twenty feet away from his face, because ow.
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I should hope Chris Rock loves bad movies; he's been in...you know, a few.
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Wow, P. Diddy really has no sense of humor. He's the new Russell Crowe.
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Chris, dude, you don't love the Oscars. We all read the interviews. Quit spinning.
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Chris Rock appears. Y'all, if you need an Oscar pool tiebreaker, how about this: "Will Chris Rock sneak an unbleeped swear word on the air?"
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Hey, why is that dude in the "Million Dollar Baby" clip wearing a sports bra? ...Oh.
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There are so many non-great movie moments in this montage that I can't list them all. But here are some. "Eyes Wide Shut." "There's Something About Mary." "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure."
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5:30 PM PT - On with the Show
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It begins! For real! You can tell by...the time-wasting montage. Gil Cates, you couldn't cut this crap and let the Best Sound Editing winner give a dang acceptance speech?
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Mike Myers has chosen to celebrate the occasion of the Academy Awards by cutting his hair with a Flowbee (tm). Bold choice, but we don't agree with it.
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Penelope Cruz and Tom Cruise broke up, no? So...why do we still care what Penny is wearing?
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Is Army Archerd really still alive, or is that a bot designed by Price Waterhouse?
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Antonio Banderas is sexy, but I blame Melanie Griffith for that greezy ponytail.
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Billy Bush is a little too chipper about "the genocide of civil war." It's "Hotel Rwanda," not "Bringing Down the House."
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Scarlett Johansson looks like she's wearing a wig made out of excelsior.
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Don Cheadle is preeeeeetty. His wife looks like she's wearing something out of the wardrobe closet on "Golden Girls," though.
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Love that clip of Regina King in "Ray" (she rocks, and apparently she was robbed; didn't see it), but why bother glaring at Ray Charles like that? It's not like he could see her.
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"Hi, I'm Kirsten Dunst! It's totally cool that me and Jake Gyllenhaal broke up, I'm not even bothered about it, honest! And it's a total coincidence that both of us showed up tonight with our opposite-sex siblings! Really!"
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Orlando Bloom: Lose the vest. It's not 1976 and you're not a lounge singer.
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It's interesting -- if by "interesting," you mean "kind of sexist and annoying" -- how the women on the red carpet get asked about their dresses and jewels, while the men get asked about their upcoming projects and the director's vision. Why not change things up a bit and ask one of the dudes why he picked out that particular tuxedo?
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If Laura Linney's attire is anything to go by, the mermaid look is still in. Unfortunately.
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Renee Zellweger seems...what's the word? "Altered." Drunk? Or suffering from Clairol #85 hair-dye poisoning? That hair is much too dark for her.
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Does anyone else get the feeling that Jamie Foxx is still going to be telling these feel-good Ray Charles stories at the 2031 Oscars? Let's hope he's taken the sunglasses off by then. Jamie: You are not in fact actually Ray Charles.
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Hilary Swank, wearing a backless dress that was probably a great idea but not so strong on the execution, delivers what is probably only the first in a string of "Clint Eastwood is the awesomest awesome who ever awesomed" testimonials..
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5:00 PM PT - ABC's Oscar Countdown begins
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