Free Plotlines for Anyone Looking to Bid on the Newly Available ‘Oujia’ Rights

Will Leitch
·Editor

Now that Michael Bay's and McG's plans to make a movie out of "Ouija" have been scuttled, it's beginning to look like we're going to continue to live in a universe in which no one makes a movie out of "Ouija." Shame: We're just starting to come around to liking this universe.

Far be it from us to let "Ouija" float away, the invisible guiding hand of the market slowly pushing it to "T...U...R...N...A...R...O...U...N...D..." Thus, as a free service to young, hungry screenwriters out there, seven suggestion plotlines to get the "Ouija" movie back going again, one for each major genre.

1. Horror thriller. A serial killer (Gerard Butler) is executed but then communicates to a scared teenager (Penn Badgley) through a Ouija board. He tells him he and his family are next.

2. Romantic comedy. A hard-working career woman (Katherine Heigl) half-jokingly plays with her neighbors Ouija board, asking it where she can find a man. Across town, a co-worker (Gerard Butler), also lovesick and lonely, finds that his Ouija board is communicating with him, and "writes" back. At work, they bicker, but at home, they are falling in love through Ouija.

3. Fanboy sci-fi. Smirking cowboy pilot (Nathan Fillion) steers his ship Ouija through a universe full of wisecracking "Star Wars" aficionados while trying to find the lost diamond of a long-destroyed land while fighting off an alien warlord (an unrecognizable Gerard Butler) bent on the destruction of the galaxy.

4. War. Gerard Butler plays "Ouija," a Gulf War vet who has been trifled with for the last time.

5. Oscar bait. In early 17th Century Elizabethan England, a 22-year-old woman (Nicole Kidman) is torn between the life expected of her and the sensual but socially unacceptable ruffian (Gerard Butler) she truly loves. (Oujia board shows up merely as a credit cookie.)

6. Mumblecore. Four Portland layabouts (Greta Gerwig, Mark Duplass, Cris Lankenau and Gerard Butler) sit and stare at a Ouija board all day, wondering what they'll do next and what life could possibly have in store for them.

7. Oujia Night 3-D. Everyone is attacked by sharks.

Universal Drops Its Ouija Movie [Vulture]