Call In Winston Wolfe: Let’s Save The Rock’s Career

For most of his life, Dwayne Johnson has been a success at whatever he does. He played football at the University of Miami and won a national championship. He became a wrestler known as The Rock and was a crowd favorite and long-running champion. He wrote a memoir and that went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestsellers list. Then, he turned to movies. And while he's had his hits, he seems like a second-tier star, stuck in bad family films and disappointing action movies like "Faster." He needs some help getting his career together. The Rock needs The Wolf.

He's Winston Wolfe. He solves problems. He's here to help.

Here's how to fix your career, Mr. Johnson.

1. For once, be in a good kids movie. We are not opposed at all to you being in family films. You're insanely likable, and you do a good job spoofing your characters' macho-man qualities in flicks like "Tooth Fairy" and "Planet 51." But the problem is that you're choosing to be in stuff like "Tooth Fairy" and "Planet 51," a fate we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy. You were recently in "The Other Guys" with Will Ferrell, which got us thinking about his career. When he did a kids movie, it was "Elf," which played to his strengths while also being really funny. Your "Elf" was "The Game Plan," which isn't nearly the same thing. If you don't want to end up doing "Are We Really, Truly Still Not There Yet?" or "Nutty Professor: Return of the Nutty," you have to find a family film that's actually really good.

2. Play the bad guy. Throughout your life, you've been the good guy. It suits you. But seeing you in "Faster" as a morally conflicted man bent on bloody revenge made us realize that you're more than capable of playing someone without a halo around his head. Playing the heavy worked quite well for another muscular gent: Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was in some Conan movies, but his real breakthrough was as the murdering robot in "The Terminator." He didn't lose a lick of his humor in that role -- in fact, part of what's great is just how funny he was -- but more importantly he proved that he could be a frightening villain. You've mostly shied away from this side of your personality: We think it's time to give it a shot.

3. Do a romantic comedy. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be starring in every film that's currently going to Matthew McConaughey. Now, we'd like to point out that being in a good romantic comedy would definitely help, but frankly starring in any rom-com would get the ball rolling. You've done a good job separating yourself from your previous wrestling career in the minds of filmgoers, but playing the sensitive heartthrob would help cement your place with women viewers. Let your old fans complain that you've gone soft: You don't want to go back into the ring any time soon, do you?

4. Consider getting new managers and agents. We hate to advocate the firing of anyone in this horrible economy, but we've just looked at the films you've got coming out next year, and our heart sank. You're doing "Fast Five" (the latest "Fast and the Furious" sequel) and "Journey 2" (the "Journey to the Center of the Earth" sequel). With "Fast Five," you play a federal agent on the trail of Vin Diesel, which is sorta like playing a bad guy, but even with that being the case these are movies that feel predictable, safe, and completely uninspired. (Before these movies have even come out, we feel like we've already seen them.) Are the people guiding your career just plugging you into the most obvious projects available? If so, that's really disappointing. You're too funny and engaging to be stuck doing sequels for movies you weren't even in the originals of.

5. Don't stop doing R-rated action movies just because "Faster" flopped. "Faster" was supposed to be your triumphant return to tough-guy action movies. People didn't seem impressed by that, though, and the movie sank like a stone this past weekend. But it wasn't your fault: You're actually pretty good as the film's Eastwood-like conflicted killer. The normal advice would be to give up on action and focus on family films, where you've been successful. That's a mistake: Even though you've largely dropped "The Rock" as part of your name in movie credits, people still think of you as the bruising, muscle-bound strongman. Doing comedies is a fun way to counteract that impression, but you should really embrace your physically imposing physique by doing more heavily violent movies. Few action stars want to do R-rated films because it limits the audience, so that could be your niche. And be honest: Wouldn't getting to crack some skulls on screen do you a world of good after having to dress up like a tooth fairy?

There you go, sir. That should do it.